Why be at the top, when you can be at the centre!
Full disclosure, I met Aicha at my current workplace. She reached out to me to have lunch when I first started and we got talking. Of course I spoke about wilm&a, what it meant to me and what I hope it would mean to other women. We had an amazing discussion and her passion around diversity and equity is evident. Without hesitation I asked her if she would be interested in contributing a post for the wilm&a community. Please enjoy her story below along with fantastic resources. Best wishes, Laila
Have you ever watched the movie ‘Yes Man’?
Jim Carrey plays Karl, a man who has grown increasingly negative after his divorce and whose friend decides to send him to a ‘yes’ seminar. He meets an inspirational guru who publicly forces him to say yes to everything. As a result of his promise, Karl is forced to open to new opportunities, positive and negative. I remember noticing this movement of positive ‘leadership’ workshops and Ted talks when the movie hit the big screen. Some went as far as suggesting that, adopting this blind, blanket, glass half-full, carpe diem, yes to all approach was not only the best decision you could make for your career progression, but also should be your motto for life in general.
At what cost – when you’re a woman?
Like most women at the early stages of their careers, I was working very hard to prove I was deserving. As the eldest daughter of immigrant parents, I simply felt privileged to be part of white male dominated corporations. This meant I was often overworked, undervalued, whilst getting underpaid. The saddest part of it all was, that I was proud of myself!
A conversation with my GP struck me one day. When she asked me how I was doing, I found myself giving an exposé of how great my life was. Of course, I mostly talked about my job because life outside of work didn’t exist. She stopped me halfway: ‘I meant how are you doing? Not how is your job!’ I went blank.
‘Let me give you a little piece of advice – she said. Do you know why I’ve been successfully running this practice for 25 years? Because I learnt to say no’. I asked myself, was that just menopause talking?! In one ear, out of the other.
It took me years to fully appreciate her words. In fact, I only truly understood them when I became a mother.
I was brought up to believe that saying ‘no’ would hinder my chances of succeeding in life. This mindset was reinforced by the work culture and misconception of assertive leadership. There were no boundaries, no self-preservation mechanisms - only the unhealthy devotion to work. Part of my identity as an immigrant played a huge part in that and some of you who have moved countries for a better life might relate to this. We tell ourselves that we cannot fail, and if we forget, our parents remind us of their struggles to keep our privilege in check. This fear of failure unconsciously inhabits every major decision we take. It can have devastating effects on our health and wellbeing.
The transition from maternity leave to working again was extremely challenging. I simply didn’t have the energy to do it all. The days felt shorter, the workload felt insurmountable, but I kept adding to it. I realised that I had been in this vicious cycle where I was coerced into self-exploitation whilst unintentionally glamourising it. As a woman of colour who must navigate daily through systemic inequity, I had no energy left to be kind to myself. My daughter’s arrival brought chaos into our lives. The realities of gender inequity became more palpable than ever but in that chaos I was reborn.
I asked myself ‘why be at the top when you can be at the centre?’ Saying ‘No’ actually brought opportunities that were aligned with my values. I regained personal boundaries, prioritised, worked smarter, preserved my energy.
Sometimes I find that in order to say Yes, you must say No and perhaps that’s where the secret of happiness lies…the fine balance between the two.
Aicha Zerrouky