Does Boss Equal Bitch?

What I don’t understand is why anyone would want to be a bitchy boss. I really don’t get it and I’m a woman. This stereotype of female leaders is unfortunately perpetuated on T.V. and in the movies as if it’s a good thing. Is Meryl Streep, as Miranda Priestly in Devil Wears Prada, coming to mind? Or are you thinking about Sandra Bullock, as Margaret Tate in The Proposal? What I don’t understand is why certain women believe this type of behaviour is one they’d like to emulate or celebrate? I don’t believe it to be effective, appropriate, or even attractive? And the truth about this type of thoughtless and harmful behaviour is that it’s a huge indicator of a very unflattering, underlying emotion in these female leaders that presumably no one wants to own up to—and that’s fear.

Isn’t that jaw-dropping to think that the bitchy boss could actually be filled with fear?

Well, fun fact. We will dissect the “bitchy” label as it pertains to female bosses shortly, but first let’s go over the problems that arise from simply trying to navigate being a female leader.

Female leaders want respect, the same respect their male counterparts seem to garner instantly simply by being male (I don’t blame men for this truth, it’s simply an unfortunate truth.) The question we need to ask is, do women want respect, or are they more concerned with not being disrespected? There’s a slight, but significant, difference here. Wanting to be respected is a goal, while wanting to not be disrespected is a fear. As a result of this fear, female leaders may go to great lengths to ensure they are not disrespected, often imitating their male counterparts. They start exhibiting a tough and assertive persona, in an effort to essentially “demand” respect. And it works, to a degree. This behaviour reminds me of the animal kingdom when the gorilla beats its chest as a warning; it does so to appear strong and threatening, but it comes from a place of fear.

Can anyone truly demand respect? That’s not how respect works. Respect is earned, therefore it’s a much longer process and doesn’t ever happen by demand, threat, or punishment. And there will be bumps along the road to earning it as well; people will most definitely put up a fight. We don’t need to make it a gender thing, and we don’t need to take it personally, but we can make it a leadership thing, and rise to the challenge.

“There are no shortcuts to being a great leader, and being a great female leader will surely take even longer, so stop beating your chest. Be patient, shortcuts aren’t necessary, nor are they helpful—they will invariably work against you”.

Now let’s unpack the underlying emotion that encompasses the bitchy boss—fear. How could that be? These bosses are powerful, successful, and seriously accomplished! How could fear be driving their behaviour?

On the scale of consciousness which measures the vibration of emotions, “bitchy” doesn’t exist, but anger does, and that’s the emotion that bitchy falls under (see Chart A). Anger is not a primary emotion, it’s a secondary emotion, which means the primary emotion triggers the secondary response. So what is the primary emotion if not anger? Anger is an outlet for the more fundamental feeling of fear. We are rarely angry without experiencing something deeper. Anger is trying to tell us something that lies deep within us and, hopefully, we will listen.

What do you think a bitchy boss would be fearing? Well, lots of things! A female leader has far more to fear than any of her male counterparts. The cards are already stacked against her and she knows it. She’s read the statistics. She’s aware of the double standards. She’s managing a balancing act between masculine and feminine behaviours. And she knows women can’t count on confidence, hard work, and intelligence to help them rise through the ranks—unfortunately, that’s not enough. And sadly, statistics show that all of her female colleagues can’t be counted on to support her either. She needs to be amazing and certainly better than her male counterparts, but demanding and tyrannical is not the way to get there. And just like the gorilla, she believes that making herself look large and beating her chest so no one can see how truly fear-filled she is, is the answer. And that is the house of cards female leadership is built upon. Good times, huh?

So how do strong, confident women circumvent this challenge?

Strength is absolutely a key component to being a great leader regardless of gender, but how one exudes this strength is the critical piece that determines whether we are viewed as a strong and confident leader or a bitchy one. As much as we want to be respected, the irony comes in when we use bitchy as our means to that end. Strong and confident we will be, but respected will disappear faster than a shooting star in a summer sky.

“Bitchy does not breed respect, it breeds resentment, and once resentment sets in, it’s hardly ever reversed”.

Being a great female leader is no easy task, but it’s absolutely possible. Adopt the adage we learned many years ago, “you get more flies with honey than you do with vinegar.” Sit confidently in your own accomplishments and use that as the springboard for your leadership. Don’t use “bitchy” as your shortcut to respect, it will only alienate your team. Take the time to earn respect, you’ll be incredibly proud of how you accomplished it. Fear is a real and formidable emotion, so get a coach or a mentor, or both—but don’t go it alone. You’ll benefit from another’s perspective. You were chosen as a leader for a reason, now show them what you’re made of from a place of confidence not a place of fear. Your role as leader already holds the power and the authority, but how you wield it is a reflection on you. Be yourself, not what you think a leader should be, that will always come across as inauthentic. And finally, remember, being a leader isn’t about you, it’s about those you are leading—and bitchy is never what anyone dreams of when they think of the greatest boss ever.